How do I not cry when I think about my son's future? We're not even 20% finished with his testing and his future already looks grim. All I could think about was that he probably won't be able to stay at his school. There's no way he could keep up with their program. So, do I put him in public school? At least in his current school there is a zero tolerance for bullying and the focus is Christian character. I've seen "Lucas", "The Karate Kid", "Mean Girls"... even "Back to the Future" had Biff, the bully. Kids can be cruel to other kids who are different. I lived in Denver during the Columbine massacre. So, what's my other option? Home schooling? I have to say, "Is that a joke, God?" Just doing school work every day with him is hard for me. I'm the kid who hated school, hardly studied, didn't do much more than was asked, and still finished high school and college with A's. There was a reason I graduated college at 21 - I wanted to never have to write a paper or take a test again! I wanted to get out of there!! I guess now is the time to thank my parents and their uber intelligent genes I received.
I laid in bed and thought of all these Bible verses about hope and giving your burdens to God. I actually held an imaginary box in my arms and physically lifted it up, hoping God would grant me some peace and I could close my eyes. My racing mind took over. What about Zane? Is he okay? He seems fine, but you never really know. Is Zane going to have a childhood like mine where all the emphasis and attention is spent on the "sick" kid? My mom always said, "You don't understand what it's like to have a child who may die any day!" So, I grew up in the background of my "special needs" older brother... unattached from the rest of my family... never feeling like I fit. My response to mom was always the same - my children will never feel like one is more important than the other. And, yet, here I sit... with possibly 1 hour of sleep the night before Zane's big birthday party. I haven't cleaned the house. I haven't put together goodie bags. I don't even know if he has clean clothes to wear to his own party. And my tears continue to fall for his brother.
When Jared was born, his birthmother decided to change her mind on the second day. She was considering keeping him or even eluded to selling him to us for $50,000 instead of the adoption that had been discussed. I will never forget that sorrowful night and not knowing if we could pick up our son from the hospital the next morning. My comfort was in God, and a song called "Your Faithfulness". When we brought Jared home, I sang the song over him every single night for years. A couple years ago, when I was leading worship, I introduced the song to the congregation and told my story of Jared's birth. People asked me for copies of the lyrics, as the words can resonate in one's soul.
The songwriter, Brian Doerksen, wrote the song just before his special needs child, Isaiah, was born. Isaiah is 11 years old now, and still wears a diaper and doesn't speak. Little did I know how much Brian's testimony and song would mean so much more, 6 years later.
I don’t know what this day will bring
Will it be disappointing or filled with longed for things
I don’t know what tomorrow holds
Still I know, I can trust your faithfulness
I don’t know if these clouds mean rain
If they do will they pour down blessing or pain
I don’t know what the future holds
Still I know, I can trust your faithfulness
Certain as the rivers reach the sea
certain as the sunrise in the east
I can rest in Your faithfulness
Surer than a mother’s tender love
surer than the stars still shine above
I can rest in Your faithfulness
Will it be a thief or will I have a chance to say good-bye
I don’t know how much time is left
In the end, I will know your faithfulness
When thoughts are storms of doubt
Still I trust You are always faithful, always faithful
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