Turning the Calendar Page

Sometimes turning the calendar to a new year means just that... simply turning the page. There are no huge revelations. Balloons don't shower down from the sky. The 20 pounds don't fall off you. Your brain doesn't switch to a gear and decide that at 12 midnight, you will suddenly not have any more unfolded laundry in baskets or dirty toilets  and every morning you'll wake up at 5am to get that hour workout in before the kids wake up. Of course, I wish that last year, when I turned the calendar page, wonderful things like that fell into place. They didn't. I had some intentions, but what I hadn't intended was 2011 being one of the worst years I can remember.

While I'd love to say all the good things that happened in 2011, I guess the old adage is true that when there are 10 good things and 1 really bad thing, you remember the bad. 2011 suffocated me with bad news, bad feelings, bad days, and bad decisions. And, even though my mind is thinking that tomorrow will just be another day, my heart is hoping for something more than a calendar page. 

Don't just wish. Make it happen.

Don't make excuses. Make it happen.

The only race you have to win is the race against yourself.

Motivation is when your dreams put on work clothes.

We've all heard quotes like these. How can you not love Yoda's famous quote, "Try not.  Do or do not.  There is no try."? But, for some of us, there comes a time when trying and trying to make something happen leads to so much frustration that you take off your "work clothes", crawl into bed, pull the covers up over your head and the dreams and wishes stay dreams and wishes.

Last summer I believed that Jared would read with the phonics program that was recommended. I worked with him constantly and believed and thought that I could "will" it to happen. It definitely didn't happen. It was a long, tough journey of "not-happeningness". And when you're on that daily journey, it's not even about "he can't read" anymore. It turns into "he'll never read. He'll get kicked out of school. He'll never have friends. He'll cry himself to sleep every night. He'll hate life." Okay, well it doesn't always turn into that. It definitely does when I'm feeling sleep deprived and the stresses of life cloud my mind. I guess that's what the quote is talking about with the "race against yourself". Even though some wonderful things happened this year and I have some phenomenal friends, it's very easy to let the bad things seep through the windows and walls of life and turn a year into something you'd love to forget. The world can be a dark, desolate place... for folks with neurological disabilities and those without.

I hope that 2012 is a better year for our family. I hope that I can learn to talk about the really yucky things instead of have two of the worst holidays I can remember and then write a dark blog entry at the end of the year.

This is what the Lord says— he who made a way through the sea, a path through the mighty waters, “Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland.” Isaiah 43:16, 18-19 (NIV)

It's Going to Hell!

When I found out that dyslexia isn’t just about words, but about directions, objects, etc. it changed my entire perspective. The majority of folks, however, still think of it as just swapping letters around. So, when my son was playing with his new rocket Christmas present the other day and wanted all of us to watch as it catapulted up to the sky, I wasn’t shocked at the words that he said. The rest of the extended family, however, had eyes filled with bewilderment. 

“Watch! It’s going to hell!” (he yelled as he stomped on the contraption that launched it into the sky)

When he was asked what he said, he replied (still yelling) “Go to Hell!” as he stomped on it again.

Very calmly I told him, “I think you mean heaven”. Of course he did, and without skipping a beat, he yelled, “It’s going to heaven!”

When I consider your heavens, the work of your fingers, the moon and the stars, which you have set in place, what is mankind that you are mindful of them, human beings that you care for them?  Psalm 8:3-4 (NIV)

Parenting and Caking

To say that I’ve been meaning to write blog entries is an understatement. There wasn’t a day when I didn’t think, “I really need to write something!” Unfortunately, I started this cake business and had no idea I’d spend the past few months of 2011 up to my eyeballs in powdered sugar.

My intentions were good. We found out our child had a severe neurological disability that had no cure, but only therapy and hardship. We found out the therapy and tools were going to cost us a lot of money. It only seemed “right” to open the business and start making money to help out the family. After I added up the amount of work I’ve done in the weeks since I started, and how much I actually made, I started to wonder how much I’m actually helping my family. 85 cakes, 811 cookies, 122 push pops, 252 cupcakes, and 2,444 truffles. Originally, my goal was to not work from 3pm-7pm, daily, so I would be there for the kids. Did you see those numbers? That didn’t happen. I’m a one-woman-show and the time working with finances, inventory and marketing caught me off guard.

The good news is people enjoy my confections. I’m not denying that huge blessing. There were weeks when I actually turned away over 10 orders. The bad news is that my son said, on three different occasions, “Please stop working on cakes and come see what I’m doing!” Ouch. That is the reality. If that wasn’t bad enough, I also have the harsh reality of not charging enough and am not really “helping” the family finances for my son’s therapy, either. There were many purchases and unforeseen appliance issues.  I’m sure that comes along with starting a new business, but there have been many times when I’ve thought, “Is this even worth it?” 

I’m not calling it a “resolution”, but I do have a goal to get some balance with the business and my family. Every single day that I’m not able to work with my child and help him come up with some skills to memorize his scripture and spelling words, is critical. This is why I’m here. My “job” is helping my child deal with this disability. The biggest difference between my thinking 3 months ago and now is that I now have faith that we will be able to pay for what comes along. I’m publicly deciding to put my faith in God and wondering if I had put it in cakes for the past few months….

But seek his kingdom, and these things will be given to you as well. Luke 12:31 (NIV)

11 Hours a Day Processing

I thought I'd end this very busy month with a blog entry from this super cool teenage girl who has APD. She wrote a blog entry specifically for parents who have questions about her APD.

I've got to be honest... I NEVER thought about how Jared's APD would affect his driving. And, of course, I now have to force myself not to stress over that!

It's a long blog entry, but anyone who knows anyone with APD must read it. She is a phenomenal young lady who truly is helping with APD awareness. Here are some of my favorite excerpts:

7 hours a day we are processing information, and it’s hard and complex things that we are “asked” to process. 3-4 (or more) hours after that, we have to work on homework based on the information that was processed for 7 hours straight to us…So we have to go back and re-process what was being said in those 7 hours, and try to break those 7 hours down into just 3-4 hours of homework, and summarizing is not a strong suite. Are you stressed out just reading that? – I am! That was hard to write for me! Take 7 (hours in school) + 4(hour on homework or more) and times that by 7 (days a week) and you get 77(or more) hours a week spent on complex and hard information that needs to be processed. That’s just a week. 24 hours a day, 7 days a week is equal to 168 hours a week. 77 hours is almost half of 168 hours a week. No kid, or no adult wants to spend that amount of time on something that is difficult for them.

When there is something that is easy for me, and fun (like babysitting, field hockey, or photography…) that BENEFITS me I want to do my best at it. It’s fun, and I’m good at it! It’s EASY, and not a lot of things in life living with Auditory Processing Disorder as teenager are easy. That’s why if you pick a major you like in college, or a job you really enjoy, there is not a thought about being lazy because you LIKE it and you want to work at it. But if you don’t like the major you’re in, or you hate your job, you’re going to become lazy because it’s not what you like to do.

This goes for everyone in the world, but it’s rare for someone with APD to say something is “easy” all the time, so when there is something easy and fun, it’s incredible!
Today, I dread going to school, and thinking how I am not even half way done with my school year yet, or that I have next year as well, but those are just thoughts, and I do have to learn how to control them and make them positive. Even for you as a parent it will help to focus on the smaller things your daughter has to finish, than the things far away. I probably said that easier than it is to do, but the bigger you make things, the harder they will be.

I didn’t know I had APD until I was 13 years old. So before that, I knew I’d always be mocked or bullied, or not invited to things but I didn’t know why. All young kids want to know “why?” Think about it… If you told your kid “You can’t go to Jimmy’s Birthday party on Saturday” and not explain to them “why”, they are going to be frusterated, don’t you think? It’s the same things when kids don’t understand why a certain friend doesn’t invite them, or why they are placed in school as “un cool” even though they’re super nice and athletic. It takes time to figure that stuff out. I’m still working on it and I’m 16. I want to know “why” all the time, but I don’t want to know “why” as much as I did when I was younger. As I grow, I learn not to worry about things as much as I did when I was younger.

Here is the full blog entry. Enjoy:

http://apdwarrior17.blogspot.com/2011/11/real-questions-asked-by-real-parents.html

In him was life, and that life was the light of all mankind.  The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it John 1:4-5 (NIV)