A New Day, A New Gray

I have often said that I might develop PTSD from this adoption process. The first eight weeks have felt like that. I don't think I can describe it.  I'd love the entire world to adopt the 153 million orphans, but I wouldn't want my friends to endure this process. It's not for the faint of heart. 

I've had a number of people say that they think what we're doing is great and that they'd like to do it. I'd be lying if I said, "Yeah! It's great! C'mon!" 

Let me rephrase... I believe having my children with me will be great. I believe having 5 kids under the same roof will be wonderful. I can't wait! {believe me. the waiting is HARD} But, to know a friend is going through what I have had to go through? Never. Nope. Wouldn't want it. Not one of my friends knows everything we've endured, thus far. It's too much. I don't want others to think of that when they think of what we're doing. It's the whole "eyes on the prize" thing. We're going to keep trekking along, and we want our friends to be as excited as we are about this! Are they? Well, that's for another post... but we have been so blessed with huge support from some key people and we'll never forget what friends and family have done for us, thus far.

Enduring the process. That's what I've been doing. I've kept a spreadsheet with the dates of when things happened and if you look at it, you'd never know that so much could be done within a day. It can, if you don't sleep. The goal is to get my kids home. I can sleep when their country has our dossier at the ministry. I'll have plenty of waiting time after that. 

While keeping my mouth shut about all the arduous experiences of the past two months, I have felt a pain in my chest. A few weeks ago, I decided to (FINALLY) get up every morning at 5 and take it all to God BEFORE I get attacked with it during the day. I cannot express how much it has changed everything! I don't even need an alarm clock. I get up at 5am, bright eyed and bushy tailed, and grab the sword of the Spirit and feel able to conquer the day. My chest stopped hurting, but my hair didn't seem to get the memo. I found my first gray hair EVER. I laughed about it because I couldn't understand why there was this coarse, white looking hair on the top of my head. I examined it. I took a picture of it. I looked at it from all angles,  like I was an entomologist, counting babies on a scorpion's back. I named it the name of my home study agency, pulled it out (because I couldn't get over how different it felt from any other hair on my head), and wondered when I'd find my next. 

Thankfully, I love my children more than I hate doctor's offices. I love my children more than I like having spending money. I love my children more than I care about my hair. I love these children that are 6,000 miles away from me. I love them so much. Bring on the new day! Bring on a new gray! I'm ready.

Gray hair is a crown of glory; It is found in the way of righteousness. Proverbs 16:31

Stalking

I am fortunate that Sunshine is in a very nice school in Eastern Europe. It has an active website that posts photos. It also has a monthly newspaper. My little girl is smart! She excels and I'm proud. 

Here are a few other things I've learned from stalking her school photos. [Ok. I just looked up the real definition of stalking and I guess what I do is more "investigating".]

The school has so many cool and special days! I hope she's not disappointed when she comes to America.

The school looks like it has teachers who really care! I hope she's not disappointed when she comes to America.

She seems to have at least one really good friend I see her with. I know she'll have friends here, as she already does!

It's nice and cool there. It's hot here, and I actually got severely overheated and dehydrated the other day...which led to vertigo.

She looks healthy. She looks happy.

Here's the biggest thing I notice: We have not seen her in one item of clothing or shoes we gave her. We were warned that would be the case, but her feet grew here and she went back to Eastern Europe with 4 pair of shoes. Granted, we didn't spend a ton on her, but she LOVED those shoes! She also had sweatshirts, jackets and jeans/pants. The latest pictures I saw of her contained baggy, cheap pants, a bizarre shirt and some really ugly and weird shoes. She was happy, so I'm not worried. I was told her caretaker would take all the stuff she was given. I just hope she wasn't too hurt when her cherished items (that she put on display to show my husband one day) were taken from her. She adored all her donated clothes. 


Sunshine and Iceman really like Scooby Doo. We gave Iceman some of my son's old Scooby Doo pajamas. He loved them so much that he wanted to wear them on the plane. I hate thinking about how he felt when they were taken away. 

Hopefully, it'll only be a few months until those will never have to be worries again. Please pray that our adoption paperwork can get over there soon!!

But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience. Romans 8:25

New Post, New Perspective

I feel there is not enough room to write about the sovereignty of God. I don't feel I can even write the extent of His mercy these past few days. 

A change in perspective.

A change in life.

I could focus on all the unknowns and all the bad that could happen. I could probably fill this blog with those things every day. Last night, I pondered on what would happen if my kids were sick over there. They told me they don't have adult supervision at night. There's no one to tuck them into bed, much less (possibly) check on them if they are ill. I don't know. The only thing I know is that I am here and they are there. Also, there is a reason we are not together at this present time.

I decided, however, to not fill my days with the "why" and sad thoughts. And, wouldn't you know? Some great things started falling into place. Would I rather NOT go back to the doctor, for the 8th time, for a test that she failed to test for when she told me she'd test my blood for "everything"? YES. Will it kill me to keep going back? No. It won't kill me. Will the agency we're working with stop the ridiculous "double charging"? Probably not. We chose them. It's too late to change. All we can do is hope that we can finish with them as soon as possible (and with the least amount of financial damage) and move on. 

If I don't believe in a God who knows exactly what's going on with my kids 5,500 miles, there's no way I can get through this. And, He has been so faithful. He's given me every bit of direction I have needed, when I have asked him this past week. He didn't have to, but He did. He also didn't have to show me the other workers, within a couple of our agencies, who have been working to get our kids here this week. They have. I rejoice in that. 

So... here's to a new perspective. 

Fundraising is pretty busy right now. We have had a number of people donate to our big auction.  I am so excited about our barn party. We are blessed to be surrounded by so many people, supporting us. This will be my focus for the next 7 1/2 weeks. I cannot wait for this! The best part about it is that we're hearing from people who we haven't talked to in years, who'd like to help out. It's like a double blessing! Reconnecting with folks who are blessing our family!  How much better  can you get?
 
Blessed be the Lord, the God of Israel, who alone does wondrous things. Blessed be his glorious name forever; may the whole earth be filled with his glory! Amen and Amen! Psalm 72:18-19

Moving Mountains to Cross an Ocean

I saw this phrase on an adoption t-shirt. I love it.

Moving Mountains to Cross an Ocean

I made a picture to remember how I feel right now.

I'm going to be honest. I haven't wanted to write. No matter what little good news comes our way, the bad news seems to just shine so brightly. I don't want to sound like Eeyore, so I've resigned to write more when I can be more positive. {Not by my strength, of course!}

We need your prayers.

We need your prayers for our home study agency to complete our document.

We need prayers regarding communication with our host kids.

We need prayers for an enormous amount of money we need.

We need prayers to combat exhaustion... mostly mental.

Please pray.

Thank you.

I can do all things through him who strengthens me. Philippians 4:13

Reality

There have been more sad days than good days.

There have been many uncertainties and disappointments.

Parenting challenges are not new to me, as you may know... if you've been reading this blog for the past 5 years. We have survived many neurological differences that still cause ongoing uncertainties and disappointments. 

However, I haven't quite experienced the type of pain that comes with this process. 

The other night I was in a group at my church, praying. I thought I was fine (on the outside), but when I opened my mouth, my voice was quivering. No matter how I try to hide it, the pain is there. I miss my kids. We're sad. My family is sad. We all miss Sunshine and Iceman. We long to meet little Lulu and be together, as a family. We wish time would speed up and we'd be in their country, seeing where they live, and bringing them back home.

I need strength. I need joy. It's silly to even state that, but it's true. I think of this kid's song, that I'll be leading in chapel this month. The words say:

I've got joy down in my heart, deep, deep down in my heart....
Jesus gives it to me and no one can destroy {stroy! stroy!}

I know that experiencing more joy will help me get through these days. I know that what I'm doing right now... thinking too much, getting sad, eating peanut butter, with watery eyes... isn't going to bring them home any faster. 

I also know I'd feel much better if we had more open communication with them. Something has happened (unrelated to us) that makes it difficult to communicate with them. We pray they know that we have nothing to do with this and that they are confident that we still love and want them. We still write them at least one letter a week and pray they receive them.

I need strength to keep plowing through this process, without so much sadness. I need to remember why we are doing this. Most of all, I need to remember all the promises from God, regarding perseverance. 
 
Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. Romans 12:12