"Risk-Free" Discipline

When Jared was little, we went through various discipline techniques as, I'm sure, most parents do. There were a number of them that didn't work. Right now, we find that taking away a favorite toy will most likely result in desired behavior. I've never really thought of him as "undisciplined" or "unruly". He obeys when asked, however, sometimes it will take a couple times. He doesn't scream or have tantrums if he doesn't get what he wants. Lately, he has been getting emotional and quietly crying about it, though.

So, when Dr. Champagne recommended a discipline program for our son, I was confused.  I thought, "What? I've watched him obey you!" and "He doesn't talk back to you" and "Here! Look! See how he obeys, the first time?" I thought, "Surely you can just tell us which technique, out of the ones we've all heard, works best for kids with this particular disability." I later realized that she meant a different kind of discipline.

Today we ordered Dr. Lehman's Total Transformation program. Sounds like an infomercial, right? I think that. And, I'm not really convinced yet, either. The tag line says, "Are you struggling with a child who is disrespectful, defiant, obnoxious, or even abusive toward you?" The marketing states things like "How to get your kid to behave" and "Stop your child's lying" and "How to stop kids from stealing from parents". Umm... I don't think of Jared when I hear these things. So, I dug a little deeper. I never classified self esteem, social anxiety and motivation under behavior problems. I didn't know that parents had a discipline program for self esteem! Kind of seems mean, right? Maybe I'm just hung up on the words. Who knows? I sure don't. But, Dr. C. thinks this will help us parent Jared away from sabotage and avoidance and into stamina and efficiency. I hope this risk-free "best selling child behavior program" works!

Train up a child in the way he should go.  Even when he is old he will not depart from it. Proverbs 22:6 (NASB)

Sleepless Tears

It's 4 in the morning. I haven't slept much. There are a lot of people counting on me, and my musical ability, in a few hours. It's a big morning, with some special songs and my voice needs to be "on". So, i laid in bed... all night long... trying not to cry for the mere reason of not letting people down at church. Crying doesn't help a vocalist who needs to hit the perfect notes. Unfortunately, I just lost the battle of the tears.

How do I not cry when I think about my son's future? We're not even 20% finished with his testing and his future already looks grim. All I could think about was that he probably won't be able to stay at his school. There's no way he could keep up with their program. So, do I put him in public school? At least in his current school there is a zero tolerance for bullying and the focus is Christian character. I've seen "Lucas", "The Karate Kid", "Mean Girls"... even "Back to the Future" had Biff, the bully. Kids can be cruel to other kids who are different. I lived in Denver during the Columbine massacre. So, what's my other option? Home schooling? I have to say, "Is that a joke, God?" Just doing school work every day with him is hard for me. I'm the kid who hated school, hardly studied, didn't do much more than was asked, and still finished high school and college with A's. There was a reason I graduated college at 21 - I wanted to never have to write a paper or take a test again! I wanted to get out of there!! I guess now is the time to thank my parents and their uber intelligent genes I received.

I laid in bed and thought of all these Bible verses about hope and giving your burdens to God. I actually held an imaginary box in my arms and physically lifted it up, hoping God would grant me some peace and I could close my eyes. My racing mind took over. What about Zane? Is he okay? He seems fine, but you never really know. Is Zane going to have a childhood like mine where all the emphasis and attention is spent on the "sick" kid? My mom always said, "You don't understand what it's like to have a child who may die any day!" So, I grew up in the background of my "special needs" older brother... unattached from the rest of my family... never feeling like I fit. My response to mom was always the same - my children will never feel like one is more important than the other. And, yet, here I sit... with possibly 1 hour of sleep the night before Zane's big birthday party. I haven't cleaned the house. I haven't put together goodie bags. I don't even know if he has clean clothes to wear to his own party. And my tears continue to fall for his brother.

When Jared was born, his birthmother decided to change her mind on the second day. She was considering keeping him or even eluded to selling him to us for $50,000 instead of the adoption that had been discussed. I will never forget that sorrowful night and not knowing if we could pick up our son from the hospital the next morning. My comfort was in God, and a song called "Your Faithfulness". When we brought Jared home, I sang the song over him every single night for years. A couple years ago, when I was leading worship, I introduced the song to the congregation and told my story of Jared's birth. People asked me for copies of the lyrics, as the words can resonate in one's soul.

The songwriter, Brian Doerksen, wrote the song just before his special needs child, Isaiah, was born. Isaiah is 11 years old now, and still wears a diaper and doesn't speak. Little did I know how much Brian's testimony and song would mean so much more, 6 years later.

I don’t know what this day will bring
Will it be disappointing or filled with longed for things
I don’t know what tomorrow holds
Still I know, I can trust your faithfulness

I don’t know if these clouds mean rain
If they do will they pour down blessing or pain

I don’t know what the future holds

Still I know, I can trust your faithfulness

Certain as the rivers reach the sea

certain as the sunrise in the east

I can rest in Your faithfulness

Surer than a mother’s tender love

surer than the stars still shine above

I can rest in Your faithfulness

 I don’t know how or when I’ll die

Will it be a thief or will I have a chance to say good-bye

I don’t know how much time is left

In the end, I will know your faithfulness

When darkness overwhelms my soul
When thoughts are storms of doubt
Still I trust You are always faithful, always faithful

Sabotage

Today Ray took Jared to see Dr. Champagne because I needed to clean and make a cake for Zane's birthday party tomorrow. It was very hard for me to not go, as I usually have tons of questions and want to know specifics with everything discussed. But, since Ray can't really make or decorate a cake, he went... along with a recording device. The appointment was at 2pm and they didn't come home until 6:30pm! I definitely felt like I missed some quality question and answer time, but I'll go with him to his next appointment on Thursday.

Ray brought home a preliminary report for the first few tests Dr. C. administered. It looked like a foreign language to me, but Ray had an 8 minute recording of her going through it. That's all I got from today. 8 minutes... and not a single second of that was good news.  My heart aches tonight.

Here are some things that were mentioned:

• His ability to use words is classified in the "severe" range.
• His hands don’t work fast enough to get what he hears on paper. Also, if he sees it, he can’t put it on paper quick enough. That creates frustration.
• He doesn’t have enough memory to speak with words and process memory.  
• Regarding holding information - long term - he's significantly weak. It's not important to him, so he feels no reason to hold it.
• He is random and has trouble sequencing.
• He is right brained.
• Regarding looking at something and breaking it into parts, he's weak.
• He couldn’t see what was missing in a picture.
• He can't put enough numbers in sequence, therefore he can't have healthy reading (don't quite understand that one)
• He miscounts in arithmetic.
• He was fatigued and didn’t want to complete.
• He hates paper processing. This is cognitive ability.
• He’s stronger but he doesn’t have stamina to show what he knows. He just wants to play.
• There is a definite learning disability in processing. He doesn’t have memory to run things. His auditory is struggling because his memory isn’t strong enough to run it.
• He has strong verbal, but his hand doesn’t process. He struggles with seeing it and reproducing it on paper.

She recommended  Dr. James Lehman’s Cognitive Behavior Program so that Jared can take more ownership and do more. He’s capable, but he’s avoiding. When he doesn’t want to do something, he avoids. He sabotages it so he can get out of it. It’s a mechanism he uses and it’s working for him... but it’s not effective. With this program, we would work our way through the computer program and make notes and turn in the notes. If you do the notes, it's free, verses the standard $700. We will learn consequences and change our parenting style so it makes him take more ownership. It helps him to understand his boundaries and be more socially aware of what’s acceptable, instead of pushing boundaries to protect him in a regular setting.

My mind is swimming. I keep thinking, "Maybe he was too tired after the soccer match" or "Maybe he'd be better at these tests, if we reduced the time." It probably doesn't matter, because it sounds like Jared has the sabotage thing down. That's the underlying theme Dr. C. keeps using. My poor little boy has already discovered what mechanism he feels he needs to conquer this harsh world.

If your heart is broken, you'll find God right there; if you're kicked in the gut, he'll help you catch your breath.  Psalm 34:18 (The Message)

To Play or Not to Play?

Today was Jared's first soccer game. Now that I know he truly has a disability, I believe I've changed my entire outlook on things. I saw the other team practicing and I thought, "Uh oh. Maybe soccer isn't for him. These guys are really big and good! Maybe we should just do swimming. He's great at swimming." I was stressed, wondering if he should play or if he'll be too frustrated when he doesn't understand things. And now that I know his hemispheres don't communicate, I pictured him doing weird things and tripping over his feet. I even told the coach, "Please make sure you point out which way to shoot the ball." I haven't had thoughts like that before. I guess things change when you hear how much your son is lacking in so many areas.

Well, who scored the first goal of the game? JARED! Did I mention how big and tough the other team was? Oh my, was I proud! And, guess what? He scored a second goal. None of the other 10 kids on either team scored two. Mama needs to chill.

Here he is with his new soccer buddy, Auggie.

In you, Lord my God, I put my trust. Psalm 21:5 (NIV)

The First Three Hours

I don't even know where to begin. Today was mind-blowing! We were only there for three hours and I think my mind had about 100 "oh's" and "ah's". Dr. Champagne knows her stuff. The next few weeks hold 15-25 hours of testing before her assessment. It's a huge financial and time sacrifice, but after today, I know it's worth it.

 One wild thing that happened today was I discovered that Jared's right and left hemispheres don't communicate. I mentioned to Dr. C. that we can't really figure out if Jared is right or left handed. At the beginning of his life, we thought he was left handed. In preschool-3, the teacher thought he was left dominant. Then, in preschool-4, the teacher decided to teach him to write with his right hand. However, if something happens to his right hand (i.e. fire ant bites), he keeps writing with his left. I just figured he was ambidextrious, but Dr. C. actually brought the neurological aspect out. If his body is neither dominant, it can be very confusing. And guess what? She did a test and I watched and was blown out of the water. My son won't cross his body... for anything! "Jared, use your right hand to touch your left shoulder." He won't or can't. He can touch his left shoulder or he can use his right hand to touch his right shoulder. He doesn't cross a line down the center of his body.... not the knee or the elbow or anything! It suddenly made sense as to why he can't write X's normally. He uses 4 separate lines to make an X and he sometimes stops mid letter or number and picks up his pencil to continue a line. Bizarre.

Another thing that was confirmed was that Jared is not good at sequences. He thinks randomly, verses sequential. This was confirmed over and over again. The only way he knows his numbers and letters is because he can recall them from memory. This is why he also seems dyslexic. He just jumbles words and letters around. And you know what happens when he does that? Avoidance. That is his coping mechanism. That came up multiple times today. When things became too hard, he would negotiate with her or avoid it all together. She said he has learned that because he doesn't want to feel inadequate.

There was actually so much mentioned that I can't even think of all of it all right now. It's been a long day. Dr. C. did wonder if Jared's birthmother did drugs when she was pregnant with him. His birthmother told us she didn't, and I do believe her. I don't quite understand where Jared's neurological issues originated, though. Today, they were evident. I guess that's the whole point. She was able to do about 3 tests of the 36 tests that she must do before she presents her report.

He has another 3 hours of tests scheduled for Saturday and 3 1/2 hours scheduled for next Thursday. Please pray for us.

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. Phillipians 4:6

At Shampoo's Office

I’m sitting in Dr. Champagne’s office and I’m blown away. Wow! What a blessing from God! Immediately, Jared loved her. She is a very nice, older widow. She has a little, smart dog and Dr. C. (that’s what she’s called, although Jared calls her “Shampoo”) has taught the dog language. I watched her explain to Jared the language that the dog knows and he was mesmerized.

As I took a tour of her office, there were so many resources! She has tons of books and binders all over. She’s traveled throughout Europe and has games and strategies from there that help children. Since I have found that England seems to be ahead of the US with APD research, I asked her if she felt that Europe was more advanced with neurological disorders. She said, “definitely”. She also said that she can start evaluating children at 2-3 years old. All the “experts” here in America say that the diagnosis begins at age 7. She said that’s because most people don’t know what to do with the kids once they are diagnosed. That makes sense to me. The county school district has never even heard of APD and my friend, Lisa, spent hundreds of dollars on the APD diagnosis last Friday and the doctor doesn’t do any follow-up or therapy after the test. I’m really feeling at peace about this decision!

She’s doing a bunch of tests with him right now. I hear a timer. I can’t wait to hear what I find out. I’ll write more later.

Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly places in Christ. Ephesians 1: 3 (NKJV)

Feelin' February

Everyone knows that February is the shortest month of the year. For me, February is definitely a month of memories. We were married in February and both of our boys were born in February. It has held some joyous occasions, however it has also held so many tears throughout the years.

A day I will never forget is February 24th. On that date, years ago, I lost a beloved friend. I will never forget hearing the news and running out into the snow, falling face down and weeping. I had to be picked up off the ground, for fear of frostbite. For a few years after that, I couldn't meet a February 24th without tears. In fact, a few years ago, I decided to sponsor a child from Worldvision whose birthday was on that day. Silas is from Kenya, and now I celebrate him on that date. It's usually a day for prayer... praying for Silas, as well as my friend's family who lost their son years ago. Tomorrow, I will also add prayers for Jared and these APD tests.

Last February, when Ray was in Iraq, our beautiful dog, Dulce, died. We definitely didn't see it coming and it almost seems bizarre that it happened in February. The reason I find it odd is because the best dog who ever roamed this earth, Zuca, died in February 2008. I've never had a friend and confidant quite like Zuca. I can't imagine ever knowing another dog as perfect as he. Like the old quote goes, "Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole." If there had been snow, the fear of frostbite would have been severe. I could have fallen on the ground and not gotten up for some time. Maybe God knew that, because my baby was born 36 hours after Zuca was laid to rest.

Our family was established in 2003 and every birth and death has occurred between these 28 days. February is a very busy month for our family, but melancholy moments do sneak in. This is one of those moments.

He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us. 2 Corinthians 1:4 (NLT)