It's Going to Hell!

When I found out that dyslexia isn’t just about words, but about directions, objects, etc. it changed my entire perspective. The majority of folks, however, still think of it as just swapping letters around. So, when my son was playing with his new rocket Christmas present the other day and wanted all of us to watch as it catapulted up to the sky, I wasn’t shocked at the words that he said. The rest of the extended family, however, had eyes filled with bewilderment. 

“Watch! It’s going to hell!” (he yelled as he stomped on the contraption that launched it into the sky)

When he was asked what he said, he replied (still yelling) “Go to Hell!” as he stomped on it again.

Very calmly I told him, “I think you mean heaven”. Of course he did, and without skipping a beat, he yelled, “It’s going to heaven!”

When I consider your heavens, the work of your fingers, the moon and the stars, which you have set in place, what is mankind that you are mindful of them, human beings that you care for them?  Psalm 8:3-4 (NIV)

Parenting and Caking

To say that I’ve been meaning to write blog entries is an understatement. There wasn’t a day when I didn’t think, “I really need to write something!” Unfortunately, I started this cake business and had no idea I’d spend the past few months of 2011 up to my eyeballs in powdered sugar.

My intentions were good. We found out our child had a severe neurological disability that had no cure, but only therapy and hardship. We found out the therapy and tools were going to cost us a lot of money. It only seemed “right” to open the business and start making money to help out the family. After I added up the amount of work I’ve done in the weeks since I started, and how much I actually made, I started to wonder how much I’m actually helping my family. 85 cakes, 811 cookies, 122 push pops, 252 cupcakes, and 2,444 truffles. Originally, my goal was to not work from 3pm-7pm, daily, so I would be there for the kids. Did you see those numbers? That didn’t happen. I’m a one-woman-show and the time working with finances, inventory and marketing caught me off guard.

The good news is people enjoy my confections. I’m not denying that huge blessing. There were weeks when I actually turned away over 10 orders. The bad news is that my son said, on three different occasions, “Please stop working on cakes and come see what I’m doing!” Ouch. That is the reality. If that wasn’t bad enough, I also have the harsh reality of not charging enough and am not really “helping” the family finances for my son’s therapy, either. There were many purchases and unforeseen appliance issues.  I’m sure that comes along with starting a new business, but there have been many times when I’ve thought, “Is this even worth it?” 

I’m not calling it a “resolution”, but I do have a goal to get some balance with the business and my family. Every single day that I’m not able to work with my child and help him come up with some skills to memorize his scripture and spelling words, is critical. This is why I’m here. My “job” is helping my child deal with this disability. The biggest difference between my thinking 3 months ago and now is that I now have faith that we will be able to pay for what comes along. I’m publicly deciding to put my faith in God and wondering if I had put it in cakes for the past few months….

But seek his kingdom, and these things will be given to you as well. Luke 12:31 (NIV)

11 Hours a Day Processing

I thought I'd end this very busy month with a blog entry from this super cool teenage girl who has APD. She wrote a blog entry specifically for parents who have questions about her APD.

I've got to be honest... I NEVER thought about how Jared's APD would affect his driving. And, of course, I now have to force myself not to stress over that!

It's a long blog entry, but anyone who knows anyone with APD must read it. She is a phenomenal young lady who truly is helping with APD awareness. Here are some of my favorite excerpts:

7 hours a day we are processing information, and it’s hard and complex things that we are “asked” to process. 3-4 (or more) hours after that, we have to work on homework based on the information that was processed for 7 hours straight to us…So we have to go back and re-process what was being said in those 7 hours, and try to break those 7 hours down into just 3-4 hours of homework, and summarizing is not a strong suite. Are you stressed out just reading that? – I am! That was hard to write for me! Take 7 (hours in school) + 4(hour on homework or more) and times that by 7 (days a week) and you get 77(or more) hours a week spent on complex and hard information that needs to be processed. That’s just a week. 24 hours a day, 7 days a week is equal to 168 hours a week. 77 hours is almost half of 168 hours a week. No kid, or no adult wants to spend that amount of time on something that is difficult for them.

When there is something that is easy for me, and fun (like babysitting, field hockey, or photography…) that BENEFITS me I want to do my best at it. It’s fun, and I’m good at it! It’s EASY, and not a lot of things in life living with Auditory Processing Disorder as teenager are easy. That’s why if you pick a major you like in college, or a job you really enjoy, there is not a thought about being lazy because you LIKE it and you want to work at it. But if you don’t like the major you’re in, or you hate your job, you’re going to become lazy because it’s not what you like to do.

This goes for everyone in the world, but it’s rare for someone with APD to say something is “easy” all the time, so when there is something easy and fun, it’s incredible!
Today, I dread going to school, and thinking how I am not even half way done with my school year yet, or that I have next year as well, but those are just thoughts, and I do have to learn how to control them and make them positive. Even for you as a parent it will help to focus on the smaller things your daughter has to finish, than the things far away. I probably said that easier than it is to do, but the bigger you make things, the harder they will be.

I didn’t know I had APD until I was 13 years old. So before that, I knew I’d always be mocked or bullied, or not invited to things but I didn’t know why. All young kids want to know “why?” Think about it… If you told your kid “You can’t go to Jimmy’s Birthday party on Saturday” and not explain to them “why”, they are going to be frusterated, don’t you think? It’s the same things when kids don’t understand why a certain friend doesn’t invite them, or why they are placed in school as “un cool” even though they’re super nice and athletic. It takes time to figure that stuff out. I’m still working on it and I’m 16. I want to know “why” all the time, but I don’t want to know “why” as much as I did when I was younger. As I grow, I learn not to worry about things as much as I did when I was younger.

Here is the full blog entry. Enjoy:

http://apdwarrior17.blogspot.com/2011/11/real-questions-asked-by-real-parents.html

In him was life, and that life was the light of all mankind.  The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it John 1:4-5 (NIV)

"How Old You Are"

"Eh old you?" he asked me.
"What?" I said. "What are you trying to say?"
"Old you are?" he said.
"How old am I?" I asked.
"Yes."
"Say, 'How old are you', Jared"
"How old you are" he replied.
"Try again. How old are you?"
"How old you are" he said again.
"Let's try this slowly. How."
"How", he echoed
"Old"
"Old", he echoed.
"Are"
"Are", he echoed.
"You"
"You", he said.
"How old are you", I said.
"How old you are", he replied.

It was my birthday. We repeated this series of words about 3 times before he made a statement that sounded like this - "Ha ode aw you".

How is that even possible? He speaks "normally". He doesn't have a speech impediment. However, you put certain words together, and suddenly he can't pronounce them? Upon all my researching, I know this is classic APD and/or dyslexia.

Let me tell you. It's sobering. Your kid is doing great in school, at memorization.... you feel like your prayers are being answered and this life-long disability is fading away or even, by miracle, disappearing. Then, you realize he can't even say, "How old are you".

The next day, my husband returned from out of town and I was eager to show him. "Jared, Jared. Say, 'how old are you'". Ray and I looked at him, and he replied... just as perfectly as can be... "how old are you." What? Wait. Wait. Wait. "Say it again, Jared". Again, he repeated it perfectly. There was no speech problem. It was perfect. Ray looked at me, quizzically. I said, "He couldn't say it yesterday!"

Ah, the mysteries.... 

"The secret things belong to the Lord our God, but the things revealed belong to us and to our children forever, that we may follow all the words of this law. " Deuteronomy 29:29 (NIV)

Smelling Roses

I can't believe I actually have a moment to write another blog entry. This has been a wild month. The death of a dear friend, and the events around that, consumed a great deal of the past few weeks. Add traveling to visit Ray's family and not having a computer for the majority of the month, coupled with a large number of work orders, and I don't believe I've had a peaceful moment in what used to be my favorite month.

I have to slow down. I have to "stop and smell the roses". I want to research more ways to help my son. I want to view the Christmas season through the same eyes that my children do. My goal, this week, is to be less busy. Hopefully it works!

“Martha, Martha,” the Lord answered, “you are worried and upset about many things,  but few things are needed—or indeed only one. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her.” Luke 10:41-42 (NIV)

A Turnaround

Wow! This day is definitely not ending the way it began. It's like the Heavens opened up and poured multiple blessings down upon me. First of all, I was able to get a hold of my business files/information. My computer is still messed up, but the craziest thing happened. The mother of two of my piano students paid me 3 months in advance. What? She has no idea about my computer or business/time/money woes trying to fix this mess. Then... of all things... my mother in law decided to give the four of us, individually, some cash.  She definitely doesn't know anything about our financial situation. She's never done that before and now I'm well on my way to finding out a computer solution. With a little bit of financial wiggle room, I'm hoping to have a nice back-up system so I hopefully will not feel like the small business woes have overcome me.

It's kind of weird that finally, when I decided to pour out all my fears and worries out loud (or on this blog) after days and days of keeping it all inside, the day just turned around. Praise God.

All glory to the only wise God, through Jesus Christ, forever. Amen. Romans 16:27 (NLT)

Growing Pains

The good news: it's been a good few weeks for Jared. The bad news: it hasn't been for me.

Starting a new business has been hard. My husband told me how quickly I would be swamped with customers, but I truly had no idea. I've had to turn many orders away, and yet I'm still having some days where there are 15 technical cakes or cookie bouquets due. Not in one week. In one day! I'm up no later than 5am and my head doesn't hit the pillow until around 1am. Sleep is restless as my mind never stops. 

I had thought I was getting into the swing of things... that is, until my computer crashed. This was the side of the business I hadn't been diligent with, as I had been with all my customer orders. I hadn't backed up my previous 5 days of things. My business files were out there on a server somewhere, but I didn't have a computer to access them. There were important files and information I needed. I couldn't print out the edible images needed for my orders. I couldn't remember which customers' checks I had deposited. It was horrible. I had thankfully scribbled on an envelope the 8 important orders I had due over the next 2 days, or I really would have been up a creek.  

My husband has let me borrow his computer until I figure out how to fix everything. His laptop doesn't like me. It could be because I immediately downloaded all my printer drivers and business software on it and it feels a little overweight. I don't know. The only thing I know is that this has made me feel like a failure.

If something like this would have happened to a friend or family member, I'd ask how I could help and be positive and say things like, "We'll get through this" and "You can do this" and "It's just business growing pains". But I don't say things like this to myself. I've succeeded at all business oriented things in my life. I've thrived in every job I've ever had. But now? I've never had so many days of feeling like I can't do this or I'm a big, fat failure. I know my product is good, but how do I wrap myself around the behind the scenes management?  These customers don't want a call from me asking when and where and to whom do I deliver their wedding cake after I've already had two meetings with them confirming everything. It never occurred to me to have a computer back up plan because from day one, I was up and running and had 65 orders come in my very first day in business.

So, this morning... at 2:30am... I was philosophically thinking about why this was happening. This last week has had too many puffy eyed mornings, filled with hope that my computer would magically be healed, but inevitably the morning would be filled with silent tears as I try to figure out the next step. While wondering this, I thought of  Jared. According to research, he's going to feel this way in many areas of his life. He's probably not going to have 20 years of business success, as I have, before his first hiccup. Jobs are most likely going to be tough for him. He can't give up (like I want to!). I will encourage him. I know how successful he can be, no matter what the world or research says. I just need to keep telling myself this, also. I started this business because we need the money for his therapy. I can't give up, no matter how bad I feel, because his neurological therapy is critical. I just have to get in the right mindset. I feel like my 2:30am wake up call was what I needed to do so.

Yet I am confident I will see the Lord’s goodness while I am here in the land of the living. Psalm 27:13 (NLT)