God Had a Better Plan

I've been through a bunch of adoption training that teaches to never say, "I don't see color" when referring to people. I've been told that it's stupid and EVERYONE sees color, so you sound dumb and insensitive if you say something like that. 

I was fortunate to grow up in a large city and date boys of all nationalities and "color", so I didn't struggle with racism as much as someone who might come from a different background. My 10 year old Texan son, however, doesn't seem to see color. For real! It is quite comical. He asked if this was a picture of my brother! My paler-than-pale, Caucasian brother. My brother is a 43 year old "white guy", so maybe I should be more concerned with the fact that my son thinks a small boy in Africa is my brother. 

Why am I bringing this up? Well, for some reason I'm an adoptive mother of (soon to be) 5 kids. I never asked for white kids. I never signed up for them. In fact, I signed up for all races and figured that we'd probably adopt a child with a Latino background... living so close to Mexico. But, God had a different plan.

Here's the thing. I never had dreams of being pregnant and didn't want the pain. God had a better plan.

I never thought I'd have five kids. God had a better plan.

He had a plan that was specific for my life. From the moment my sons took their first breaths, they were my sons. Mine. They were not bastards or orphans or mistakes or any other words that might describe children born of irresponsible teenagers. And these 3 that we're adopting? It's weird because now, more than ever, I can't even see them as orphans. They are classified as orphans. They have a past... a major past, with lots of pain. In fact, Sunshine just told me the other day that "we've been through a lot and cannot tell you it all. It would take a long time to tell you about it." {she wrote. I translated.}

The truth is that they are orphans and we don't know what has happened in the past {nearly 13} years since Sunshine was born; but for some reason, it's sooooo hard for me to see my kids like that. They have fit perfectly into our family and I don't even acknowledge that they aren't "mine". Am I being naive? Am I in denial?

Other host moms are reading parenting books and adoption information about how to "deal" with all the things that come up, yet I can't see them as anything different from my two Texan sons. They don't even speak my language, but I don't see them as different.  There aren't any behavior issues that are different from my own kids. In fact, they behave better than my Texan boys. Don't get me wrong: they are definitely skinnier than my biological family seems to manufacture.

Sometimes I wish they didn't see the ugly sides of me as often. When I get so frustrated with my other sons that I growl, I forget my other two are watching me and that's no good. For some reason, they still want to be adopted, even with seeing all my ugly sides. 

I keep getting told that I should wait and the bottom will fall out. I don't believe that it will. These are my kids. I don't anticipate behavior more crazy than I would with my Texans. Perhaps I'm lacking in experience, judgment or wisdom. I don't know. Perhaps I might just be like my 10 year old son, and not able to see the differences... no matter how many the world may see. 

Today, I choose to think that.

For there is no distinction between Jew and Greek; for the same Lord is Lord of all, bestowing his riches on all who call on him. Romans 10:12